Saturday, November 22, 2008

Blog Reviewing Current Events Already Irrelevant

Justin Timberlake parodies Beyonce on Saturday Night Live while our economy tanks, and I worry about tween girls spraining their ankles. Besides being immediately outdated upon construction, what is the significance of this sentence? Allow me to metaphorize the Perfect Storm at hand.


High Seas

These are hard economic times. Stocks are falling, and women are rising. No, this is not a reference to Hilary Clinton’s rumored nomination as Secretary of State. Women are literally getting taller with the help of a 4-6 inch heel. Through a strange quirk of history the average height of stilettos increases as the economy declines. Don’t believe me? The Early Show would never lie to you*.


The Sou’wester

Who is Sasha Fierce? Turns out she is Beyonce. Like a phoenix from the ashes of Destiny’s Child, Beyonce is re-re-inventing herself for another bid at fame. To mark the occasion she has created an alter ego, signifying that she is both unlike Old Beyonce and a lot like Garth Brooks. She even has a new single, Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It). How very sad; pathetic ev-en. We have seen these stunts before – you weren’t fooling anyone Mr. Hyde – and by now our society surely has too much self-respect be duped again. This will never work out for Beyonce…right??

The Nore’easter

Saturday Night Live is crazy popular right now. This is no shock. SNL, the Daily Show and other late night outfits pay their mortgages during election season. Want to hear what Lorne Michaels has to say about this phenomenon? Pop some Ritalin and watch this Charlie Rose exclusive. If you don’t have a 35 minute attention span, just skip to minutes 27:29 – 29:00. In addition to the common "bump" in viewership every fourth November, this election season was one of those rare times when a politician (Sarah Palin) must compete with her own impersonator (Tina Fey) for attention.



The Lynchpin

The election is won, the winds of Change are sweeping through a very cold November, and SNL needs desperately to give me a reason to show up to church underslept. This brings me to Justin Timberlake, the center of it all. His Saturday walk-on performance was an instant hit, the likes of which we have not seen since…his last performance on Saturday Night Live**. Last week’s show saw Justin clad in a black leotard and heels, pretending to be a back-up dancer for the musical guest of the night. Beyonce Knowles, enter stage right*.

The skit went viral immediately – your coworker probably showed you the video on Monday morning – despite early attempts by NBC to litigate into submission every Youtuber who posted the video. But the aggregate will of Youtube is too great, and conspiracy theories were starting to make their way around the inter-nets. Or perhaps NBC and Justin struck a deal. The video remains on Youtube in some form, but chances are that my video embed* won’t work an hour after I post it. So like moths to the flame we are drawn first to the parody video, then to the real music video, and lastly to imitate what we see.

Step One: Watch the SNL video

Step Two: Watch the real music video in awe as Beyonce defies physics in 6 inch heels***. My point is illustrated by minute 1:28 to 1:40.

Step Three: Make her open the box. Woops! Wrong video**.

The Victims

Won’ someone please think of the children?! More specifically, I am worried about our newest little demographic, the tweens (preadolescents). Looking into the future, the headlines clearly read Girls in Mom's Heels Emulate Beyonce, Visit Hospital. These (hypothetical) tragedies are the consequence of colliding pop culture forces – the newest fad, hit single desperation, Justin’s mastery of the viral video, and a tween market share that will consume anything pop culture feeds it. Pity and ace bandages for all.

Conclusion

You have likely invested half an hour of your life consuming a blog rife with embedded videos, wikipedia references, pop culture buzzwords, misused punctuation, pompous**** vocabulary and occasional nonwords. You may feel a little emptier and a little older for reading it, and you are certainly no better off. But you were entertained.

To anyone who reads this, I represent only my own twisted viewpoint. If you are offended, please don't sue me.

* If the videos don’t work,

google: “hard times, high heels” video for The Early Show

google: "Gov. Palin Cold Open" for Sarah Palin on SNL

google: beyonce timberlake youtube for the viral video

** Too raunchy for Mom & Dad, but every college student in the U.S. remembers D!$% in a Box.

*** She hates physics too, dear.

**** I had to look up “pompous” while writing to ensure I was using it correctly. I have a problem, and admitting that is the first step to getting better.

Wordfind! How many Pop Culture words can you find? Famous names count too!

Saturday, November 08, 2008

A Most Satisfying Burger

In the hopes of embracing more vegetables into my diet, I've been trying to cook something new once a week. I've tried out the whole recipe based cooking approach - the socially accepted way of cooking - but have often been sucked into a more "exploratory" approach to cooking:

Get a mind's eye picture of what I want, by
  • Researching a couple of recipes for some dish and extracting an idea of a basic method;
  • Recalling something I liked at a restaurant, and mentally reverse engineering it;
  • "feeling like" eggs, or something sweet, or a burger (see below);
Take inventory...change plan
  • "Man, I really need to get rid of those ________. I should use them too."
  • "Mmm I want those leftovers too, somehow."
  • "Oh no, I don't actually have (key ingredient)... ah well, I'll try it anyway!"
Get cookin' (Go go go!; salt, salt salt!; stir, stir, stir!; don't burn!)

Smell...think...review plan
  • "OMG, I am so* gourmet!" Finish cooking, savor the dinner slowly, and contemplate future fame and fortune as a chef.
  • "burnt / gross / dried out!" Feed the garbage disposal and curse into my cereal bowl.
  • (Most common) Impulsively take the dish in a completely different direction, often with surprising success; this is followed by one of the options above.
So, I was feeling like a burger today when I saw this guy top a fried egg with chili for breakfast on TV. I remembered the "Gus Burger" from med school - a burger famous for being topped with an over-easy egg**- and decided that what I really wanted was a burger with a fried egg on it.

I fired up the stove (small skillet, med/med-high) and started emptying the fridge, collecting an egg, the last tomato of the season (sliced thick), a burger from last night, (should have gotten some cheese), pickles, ketchup, and mustard.

I fried*** the egg (over hard) first, then the tomato slices,**** adding salt and a dash of tabasco, and nuked the burger. I toasted the bun, assembled the burger, said "OMG I am so gourmet," and savored my success while I watched college football.

It has been a good Saturday.




*This italicized emphasis brought to you care of an in-depth discussion I had with an unnamed loved one regarding what my writing style is and what it is *not*.
** fun fact: also famous for being consumed at 2am by drunken undergraduates; this of course did not include me. I took the high road...to Pita Pit.
***I used butter, so I think I actually sauteed it. This smelled so good my knees got weak...
****Move 'em often, cuz tomatoes tend to stick to the pan and generally fall apart when I cook them this way