Yesterday was the opening of our first online quiz - all of our quizzes are online and have a "time window" when you can take them on a library computer - and everybody was in a hazy mix of panic and sleep loss. I felt it most during anatomy lab when senses of humor were a little more sarcastic and harsh than normal, nobody could concentrate on their work, and everybody had a slightly stricken look on their face (or maybe it was just me). But anatomy lab was really just the climax of a pretty hectic few days.
The whole thing started building last week when the specifics of the anatomy quiz were announced - what would be covered, etc. The collective blood pressure of the lecture hall raised 20 points apiece. When I tried that night to study, I had to repeatedly focus and re-focus my attention on what I was studying right then. Left to my own devices I would stumble off on a tangent about some random muscle factoid, rare neurologic condition, or anatomical space, all the while convincing myself that this would surely be on the quiz!
Back to reality for a second, I should explain that the significance of the quiz had nothing to do with its grade weight. I could have refused to take it, and still done fine in anatomy...heck, if I aced our two exams this semester I could pass without ever taking a quiz. On the other hand 1) acing both anatomy exams is guaranteed not to happen and 2) it's not about the weight; its about knowing where you stand!
We judge ourselves by looking at others. We constantly ask ourselves if we know as much as the other guy. Did I know more structures than anybody else in lab today? That guy just rattled of every nerve in the back and shoulder...can I do that? Some hold this behavior up as evidence that med students are intensely competitive, but I disagree with that. Competitiveness involves me beating you...somebody wins, and somebody loses. What we have here is slightly different. We're just all really freaked out about our own failure.
This brings me to keeping up. The one mantra that was drilled into our heads the first week of med school was Don't Get Left Behind. You can't forget your studies, because the material will keep coming just as fast, if not faster. But how do you know if you're keeping up? There aren't any sirens or alarms that go off when you're lagging. How then do you know whether you're studying as much as you should; whether you'll excel at school, be loved and respected as a doctor, and find the cure to AIDS, or whether you're...*gasp*...falling behind?
You know by freaking out about insignificant anatomy quizzes, and by trying to read every little twitch and glitch in the med students around you. You know by studying until you dream about muscle innervations at night. You know by blowing your first online quiz completely out of the water, and seeing "15/15 correct, 100%". That's how this stupid little quiz came to mean so much. And that's why by Sunday night I had convinced myself that this single quiz would be the crystal ball that would determine my fate (AIDS cure vs. street bum).
So, its not competitiveness that drives the med student, its something called "cognitive distortion". Just for fun, follow that link and use it as a tally-sheet for how many cognitive distortions I comitted in this single posting.
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5 comments:
See, that's the nice thing about engineering, we don't have to constantly worry about whether we're better engineers than the other guy...
We know we are. ;)
wow, that sounds intense. i can see how you can drive yourself crazy trying not to fall behind. glad to see you're still finding a little bit of time and brain power to blog.
Wow, I hope I wasn't that cranky, short-tempered anatomy partner....
On the other hand, how can you blame me? If I don't ace the anatomy quiz, I am going to die poor and alone in the slums of Seattle.
To Katie,
I was more talking about how I felt inside, and no I wasn't calling you out specifically.
To Zane,
We all know that Team Right Arm (Katie and myself) is superior to Team Left Arm...you can only use the "she has scar tissue" argument so long. To paraphrase my hypothetical response to an unjust oral question, "no Zain...YOUR mom"
To everyone else,
A note of explanation. Yes, there's some cadaver rivalry. And yes, that may sometimes (ok, always) involve a little trash-talking. And yes...the left arm may have some scarring that confounds good dissection...But no we did not cut any structures on the right side, and anyone who says otherwise didn't see them because he didn't know where to look in the first place. Zain.
It seems as though my previous post has caused some animosity between myself and those that know Mark but not me. I feel, therefore, that I need to give an explanation/apology for it to make amends. So here goes:
To Marke and the rest of the group: nothing to say here, cuz joking around is the trademark of our team.
To all those out there that don't know me (everyone else): I realize now that reading my post without knowing the background behind it could cause someone to think I was being a total jerk. The fact is, the entire post, from the snooty name I used for myself, to the content, right down to the final typing of "idiot!!" was a reference to various conversations our group has had over the last few weeks. In fact, it was much more about making fun of myself than it was about insulting Mark. Mark and I have been constantly trash-talking each other since we met (just read his reply to my post); its our way of appreciating each other. Its also our whole group's way of staying sane while disectting a cadaver. So I apologize to all those that respect Mark who took my comments the wrong way.
With that out of the way, I will say that Mark and I have shared quite a few laughs about people's reactions to my post. I will probably post a snarky (but innocent) comment after most of Mark's blog entries that I might be directly or indirectly mentioned in, so keep an eye out.
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